But Why, God?

“I don’t understand this. I don’t understand why this had to happen? I thought you loved me? I thought you would protect me from this?”

These were among the many things that came out of my mouth that winter evening. I couldn’t eat. I was struggling to function day to day, and trying to fall asleep was becoming something I dreaded as night fell. It was as though someone had pulled the rug out from under my life. I couldn’t make sense of anything. My mind was one big puddle of mush overtaken by anxious thoughts, heart ache, and an overwhelming battle ground. I couldn’t take much more. I so desperately wanted to be away from what I now knew as my life. I wanted an escape, a pause button to stop the pain. I just couldn’t get away from what I hoped would be nothing other than a bad dream.

I walked to the bedroom, barricaded myself in our walk-in closet, and fell to the floor. The sobbing overtook me. I was angry. I was crushed. I had never felt this kind of pain before.“God, WHY? WHY? WHY? This can’t be happening. This cannot be my new normal. I thought you would protect me from this? This was my very fear. Why couldn’t you stop this from happening?” These were the only words I could even utter at that moment.

I began to vomit out every single thing that had been spinning in my head. I spewed out every possible question, doubt, and ounce of anger. My world had crumbled, and there was no trying to hold myself back from God anymore. Pretending to be okay with the One who already knew my very thoughts was over. I was laid bare before Him. I didn’t know what God would think about all the yuck that had just poured out from my mouth, but He was the only One who could answer me.

After what felt like crying an ocean of tears, I lifted my head and sat in silence. Time seemed to have stood still for a while. I finally began to lift my head and pray, “this is where I’m at. I don’t know what you can do with this, but here it is. Here’s where I am.” During the next four words that came left my lips, it was as though God Himself was pulling them from deep within me, words I had no idea were there. Before I knew what I was saying, out came, “Lord, help my unbelief.”

I didn’t know it at the time, but something changed for me that day. For the first time in my life, I was honest before God. Fully honest. I wasn’t holding back, and I wasn’t stuck in the prior mindset of, “I can’t doubt God. I can’t speak it or even go there.” God began a deep work in me that evening, and it changed my life forever. If I could put it into words for you, this is what I felt like God would’ve said to me at that moment. ‘I heard you. I knew all of what you said was there. I knew these things were in you, but now you know they are. Now we can move forward from this place you’re in.’

God isn’t after our words or actions. He’s after our very hearts. He longs to not only save us through the salvation His precious Son gave us in giving up His own life on our behalf on that cross, but He so deeply longs for us to REALLY know Him. He desires a relationship with us that is so tightly woven in His truth and righteous character, that no devastations of life can come close to the comfort and closeness we have in our Savior. This doesn’t mean pain won’t exist, or that we’ll be exempt from the deepest, darkest days of agony, but it means that we will not go through it alone. We’ll have the loving hand of our Father walking with us, breathing life into us on the days we can barely take a breath. He promises to never, ever forsake those who are His. He is a good, good Father who loves us enough to allow pain to point us to His faithfulness, and show us who He REALLY is. He loves us enough to show us just how much He can be fully and completely trusted. Here is a powerful truth I’d love to leave with you as you go through the unthinkable heartaches of life:

You CAN question God.

God knows you through and through. Nothing about you is a surprise to Him- not your thoughts, actions, or deepest secrets. He’s not turned away by our depravity. It’s our very helpless state that draws God to us. He wants to help us, wants to rescue us out of darkness and set us free. He is not afraid of your honesty, but actually desires it from you. It’s not God who needs to know what’s in us, it’s us who need to face the truth of who we are. When we’re honest before God, it allows us to be honest with ourselves. It opens the door for Him to move in our lives, and it removes the scales of self-deceit from us. God is not angry at you for having questions and doubts. In the Bible, Both Job and Habakkuk questioned God.

God is a loving, gracious Father who welcomes our struggles and questions. Being who we really are before Him actually pulls Him toward us. He can take all your questions. Run to Him. He’s there waiting for you.

“But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul.”
‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭4:29‬ ‭NKJV‬‬